Blog

Today, I want to take some time to share the magic and power of what I call making the “switch”!

Making the “switch” is something I have personally experienced on many occasions, and some of those experiences have had such an impact on my life that I had to share it here with you. This is an amazing power we all have within us, but no one talks about it! I have never read about it, and never learned from any therapist. Making the “switch” is something I learned from looking inside, and navigating through life. 

Making the switch or changing your mindset means that you change something, sometimes ridiculously small or that does not need lots of work and energy but that has a huge impact from there.

You may change the way you see a certain thing, but honestly things more often change around you.

Let me give you some examples when I felt the effects of making the “switch” that will explain better how to change your mindset!

The first time I felt this “power” was after 2 years of being a foster mom. I received my boy when he was 1 year old, so quite early in his life. He right away became a part of our family. I took care of him as my boy and loved him as my baby…and still something very deep and extremely hard to explain was missing. It is like when planning years ahead things became uncertain, because I couldn’t promise myself he would still be here with me.

In my part of the world, being a foster child entails that the child can go back to their biological parents, if they get better, anytime (until he is adopted, which often takes years). Today I can explain the feelings I was feeling during that time, but it was very confusing then, as how can you explain to yourself and to others that you love your child unconditionally but you do not see them in your future? That when looking deep in my child’s eyes, something was a bit disconnected, not as “totally” as a mother, as I was used to be for my biological daughters.

Today, I can explain that I unconsciously protected myself and my 2 girls, in case he had to leave us. I prepared myself and my biological girls that it could all be temporary. When you define something as temporary, you are not there 100%. I am used to giving my 100% as a mother and therefore, something small but crucial was missing when looking into my foster son’s eyes.

It was not easy to feel this and even harder to explain how I felt, especially when I compared myself to my husband. He felt different, and never dwelled on the possibility that this love and bond could end up being just “temporary”. He didn’t let the fear of hurt persuade him away from loving without limits.

I knew everything changed when I had a nightmare about my sweet boy. In that nightmare, I saw my boy coming to me with a bucket of sand and saying “Mom I am ready to go!” . Only then, waking up terrified and breathless, did I understand that I want to love him totally as a mom does, without fear as to what may come next. That was the time I made that switch. It takes a second!

That “switch” happened and immediately I felt a different love and connection; but what amazed me even more is the rapidity he felt it and sent back the connection and love.

It is quite hard to explain because the love and care were always there, it just was no longer tainted by the fear of loving “too hard”.

Once I allowed myself to live and feel TODAY, without preparing for the “worst” in the future, I allowed a much deeper connection between us.

I allowed myself to give this child one mom who is “totally” for him, no matter what will happen in the future.

You can imagine how big the impact was and still is from this mindset!

Another example happened with my husband. I believe we are no different from most couples. 20 years together. Went through moves from country to country, apartment to a house, the birth of 2 girls, work, career….The life together brought us to a place where we fought quite a lot, each of us carrying our inner child into our arguments. 

After a year of couples therapy I understood my own mistakes, although that didn’t absolve my husband of his own responsibilities in our bickering. Being this is my blog and I try to keep my family’s life private, I’m going to focus on this transformation in our relationship from my own point of view only.

I needed to find more softness, not just towards my husband but in general in my life, towards my children, my inner child, myself, and people around me.

To live and work being stiff is not easy for the people around you.

Once I understood why I became so rigid, so goal oriented, always striving for perfection on everything, I made the decision to soften it all.  That was the “switch”! I changed my mindset to accept his lack of, his imperfections, but most importantly, my imperfections, my children’s imperfections. I started seeing what is there and not what is missing in order to improve (as I have been taught) and that changed so much around me.

Once I allowed the softness and I welcomed the “good enough” or “great as it is”, without looking for “what else can be done better?”, all my connection with the closest people around me improved!

So yes, find your way to change your mindset. It is definitely worth it!

Sometimes, we can change the way we see things, the way we feel about the other people in front of us, and by changing your mindset, by making that “switch”, you are changing a world…around you!