“There’s a certain love, appreciation and gratitude that you have at 40 that you don’t have when you’re younger, and it makes every accomplishment feel so much better.”
What My 40s Are Teaching Me
My midlife crises came right on time, at my 40th birthday!!
Today, 3 years later, I understand what happened then and what is happening now…
Let me share this with you now.
To be honest, I have never read about midlife crises BEFORE I got there myself and I am pretty sure most women in their 30’s prefer not to read about their coming decade, in advance, as they are probably too busy with everything to even think ahead😊
…so I was not prepared mentally at all!
The reason I am sharing this with you is in case some of you are there too, in your 40s! Maybe this might help passing through this fantastic decade!
I suddenly woke up wanting something else of my life, a different house, a different living, career, husband…everything was not in the right place. Such a strange and strong, negative feeling especially for a person who is mainly positive, sees lots of good everything…
It is like suddenly my eyes opened up in a different direction and I saw everything different.
“If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a garden.”
― Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden
How do I explain this phenomenon?
During our 2nd decade (20’s), we are busy with dating, finding our 2nd half and building a family and/or starting a career. We have so much to do, we are in “doing” mode, maybe “planning”.
In our 3rd decade (our 30’s), we are too busy to even think, even for those who stop and think once or twice a year like me (birthday and Holidays). We have few kids to raise, prove ourselves at work or as independents, a loving relationship to save (go out, go to therapy, be together, organize fun evenings). We read about parenting, learn to get better at it, we improve our nutrition and learn about that too, we try to remain in shape ourselves for some of us and of course keep the best friends around by seeing them once in a while. We fight to get our business alive and bring some money home on top of it.
Then comes the 4th decade, when children become a bit more independent, no more babies or toddlers to take care every second. Suddenly, time is a bit more available for yourself. First you love it and start doing things you wanted to do for some time and never got the chance. For me, I connected to my inner child, back to piano lessons, dancing lessons, learned arts and drawing and even took a python coding class…then you start thinking…was this really the life I dreamed about when I was younger? What did I imagine? Why am I not there? What stops me to get there?
Those are pretty tough questions! With tough answers…
Fantasy and reality are 2 different things. We can dream and fantasize but we live in the reality!
It took me about 3 years to understand such an important and basic matter: STOP living in a fantasy and live your reality. That does not mean “stop dreaming”, because I am a dreamer and that, I cannot and do not want to stop!
That just means start accepting your life as it is, accepting yourself as you are, with your weaknesses and as you became as a mom and woman, start accepting your children and teenagers who became what they became, start accepting and loving your parents and your spouse as they are, not as you wish they would be (in your fantasy word).
And when you succeed in that, you feel much more complete, much more faithful to yourself.
It is much easier to say than do, I am well aware.
It has been 3 of my toughest years personally (and I did it thanks to therapy, my husband, few very good friends who were there for me and the famous Covid-19 who put me in quarantine as well alone with myself for 2 weeks) , but I finally understood that I can only control what I do and think. People around me who love me, do their best, their real best and probably quite different than my way, but it is ok. This is the beauty of it. Each has his own way, his own path, his own fight to go through and learn from.
So here you go, my 10 life lessons from my 40’s are:
- Let go of your high expectations of yourself. They only make you pay a high price of daily unhappiness. (which you don’t really feel yourself)
- Enjoy your kids as they are. Stop trying to improve and change the sides you do not like in them.
- Look at your husband as a boy, who just needs love, as all of us, and not as your partner who is supposed to do everything with you and as you!
- Be grateful for what your parents taught you, no matter what you remember from your youth.
- Change your narrative and your words, to become much gentler to the people around you.
- Dream big and act…
- Cooperation is key. When you work or live alone, you are in control of everything but when you play together, amazing things happen, much bigger things happen. Examples include the Kenya trip I wrote about in this article, that would never had become that big and amazing without the 7 other moms and children as well as all the donators and companies who took part. Another example if our foster parenting which I am sure would not have been a success without my husband and my daughters.
- Take an hour a day for yourself. You need this to fill up and have the love and energy for your family. Do what makes you happy during that time but allow it in your day no matter what!
- Take responsibility. You became what you became because you made certain choices on the way. You are not a doll someone played with and placed it in that house in that life.
- Let go of those protection layers that you added to yourself without even paying attention. Those helped you when you were a child probably but now, that you are a grown-up woman, you can let them go. They do not protect you anymore and most likely, they stop you from growing. My personal example is “not trusting anyone around me and do stuff alone”. I had to learn this as a child because my parents were too busy saving their couple relationship and were not enough emotionally available. At some point, it did not help me anymore and letting it go helped me understand basic concepts like intimacy and vulnerability. Thank you Brene Brown for your books and talks. This saved me!
True I still have a lot to go in this decade but from talking with 50-year-old women, I understand everything is in place at 50…so things should get better from now on…
Conclusion
It is ok to feel whatever you feel. It is ok to wake up and see everything different. Take the time you need but do the work needed- alone or get some help. Do not just walk away from your life. You might meet again yourself and that crises later so instead of pushing it for few years, go through it with your brave heart and lots of compassion to yourself and to others.
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I hope you found this article interesting, and that it will help you towards your 4th decade!
I highly recommend you to read about “The right balance between critics and praise while raising your children”
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Thank you for your blog! Your articles inspire and heal! I’m a little over thirty, but this article is very close to me and I have found answers to some of my questions. Thank you very much!