When you talk, you are only repeating something you know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.
Today’s article will be short and sweet.
It is very straightforward and super useful…at least I think so!
I have met so many experts, listened to classes and talks, read so many parenting books but this one piece of advice is smart, short, easy to remember and easy to perform, and more importantly, makes a huge difference in your relationships with your preteen daughter. This possibly might help with boys too but I have not tried yet, as my son is only 6 years old.
The person who gave this parenting advice to me is a psychologist for kids, an expert who I met with a few times with my daughter during 3rd or 4th grade. It first started around an issue that made my daughter angry. We felt she was angry, but we were not sure how to help. My daughter was recounting all kinds of stories from her day. I was doing exactly what I realize now, I should not have done! I was getting mad at that boy or girl who offended my daughter as well as trying to give her advice how to react and what to do. WRONG!!
Let me first tell you the parenting advice and then explain it better.
DO NOT TRY TO SOLVE HER ISSUES.
Your role is only to ask questions and let her get to her own answers! JUST ASK AND LISTEN!
You might think this is simple, too easy or not worth much… let me tell you how this changed everything, first with my older daughter and then with the younger one, and mainly in our relationship and her openness with me.
I started practicing this one piece of parenting advice. Every time she came and told me about something or some friend who said or did that, I held my tongue and controlled my nerves and did not react as I really wanted to, as my lioness mother voice would have reacted to rescue my baby. I learned to ask “how did that make you feel?” or “what do you think?” or “what do you think you should do?” or “what would you have done…?” just questions, but questions that emphasize your listening and stop your solving instinct and your critical points of view!
It is incredible how this helped me and how fast the great results came. This made her want to talk with me and share her stories with me more often. This allowed a discussion and a thinking exercise on her side and not just problem solving answers from me so it also taught her to do the process on her own, do the thinking with herself and come to her own conclusions. This avoided so much frustration on her side (her mom does not listen or her mom is focused on talking and solving instead) but also on my side (no matter what I give her as advice, she gets mad. I do not understand her needs enough…)
Conclusion:
Just ask the right question: “how did that make you feel?” + Do not try to solve her everyday problems with peers…
