To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
The day I decided to forgive…
It took me 30 years to forgive, I mean completely forgive and move on…(and I am usually quick to forgive). I am quickly moving on from disagreements and usually forget, but I am talking about deep rooted anger that I felt towards my mother. It was the one you cannot just move on from, and for which I needed to be ready, available and wanting to move on.
The process took 1-2 years, used short-term therapy, and even had something to do with my foster boy…let me tell you all about it, hoping this will help you either with your parents or with your kids!
I know the cliche sayings I’ve heard including “You don’t choose your parents” or “accept who they are. They did their best” or “they did what they knew best and love you so much”. And It is true my parents love us (my siblings and I) and always did everything they felt they could for us. We had everything we needed, school materials, vacations, ballet, piano lessons and much more.
But you know what I did not have and needed so much? The emotional presence of my parents, especially my mother.
Why was I mad? Probably because as a child (1st daughter, after one older brother and before a younger sister), I really needed, wanted, dreamed of having my mom as a friend I could talk to, go to with my little issues, ask advice…I just needed it. Why? It does not matter why. Every child needs something different in life… This is what I needed.
And you may ask why weren’t my parents able to provide this to me? It sounds quite easy! Many good reasons, I guess…
1-Consciousness. Parents were much less conscious then (maybe this is why the whole blog talks about “conscious parenting”)
2-They were in a survival mode themselves, got married early and having kids quite early, had to start making money without a penny from their parents.
3-My mother is the generation after holocaust (her mom survived and came back from the camps) so not lot of talking was there in her house when she grew up.
4-My parents were fighting a lot and they were working on their relationship all day, all the time.
So, I knew all the goods reasons and still could not find how to forgive…
Why? Because emotional needs of a child need to be met. Otherwise she grows up with a lack of something, a resentment, that might grow bigger and bigger as she gets older.
This is probably the reason why I put so much attention on social emotional skills as I am raising my 3 kids!
Sometimes I feel even too much. We play games to discuss topics, I stay open so they can come and tell me what they feel anytime, even if it is not easy to hear sometimes, I try to bond and connect through games and fun, cooking or drawing. I talk, explain, listen, learn to listen…
So what finally helped me you probably want to ask? Few things TOGETHER!
- My sincere wish to move on and stop being angry (that came at the age of 40)
- Changing my way of looking at things, my perception, we can all do it, with some maturity! Instead of seeing my mom as “weak” who was suffering in her relationships and did nothing to change her reality, I finally saw a woman who did not give up on herself or her family, I saw strength instead of weakness (yes, with some outside help of therapy)
- Teaching my foster boy to love his biological mom because she gave him life even though she is not capable of raising him, I understood that I had to love and appreciate mine as she gave me life and also gave me what she could. She could not provide me what I wanted and needed but she gave me all what she could and knew.
And only once you really forgive and your heart is free to love, open to see, listen, appreciate, the relationships could grow and it does not matter at what age…I am glad I went through all those years and learned in a hard and long way that there are certain things in life that need the time to mature and cannot be done when ‘should be” but when “can be”!
So my personal advice to you, dear parents, is stay aware of your children needs, especially their emotional needs. We sometimes provide our love in a different way that they need it…(you can read about the love languages)
Food for thoughts…
