Hi,
The story begins when I was a child, living in the South of France in an apartment with parents and my 2 siblings, an older brother, and a younger sister. Even though my parents gave us everything we needed and wanted, and raised us with love and all they could provide, I have grown up with the deep feeling that both of my parents were too busy emotionally in their own marriage to be available for me and my “small” everyday issues!
I know what it feels like being raised with parents who fight daily and who do not know how to show their love to each other in front of their kids.
The only sign of love was when they danced together to rock N roll, a few times a year, and I LOVED IT! Still do actually…
As a child, it made me sad, made me embarrassed to bring friends home. I had to add some protection layers on like “be mature and responsible” or “count only on yourself” but it also made me swear to myself that I will build a couple relationship full of respect and great communication! All I wanted was communication and respect!
Today, at 43 years old, I am myself a mother of 3 and found myself fighting to save my marriage and family.
It is ironic (remind me the great song of Alanis Morissette) how life is a circle.
I became the couple I did not want to be. We fought and screamed at each other too often, exactly as I did not want to become, many times in front of our own children. How did this happen? How did I allow this to happen?
And today, after 2-3 years of hard work, I am here to tell you my 5 tips that helped me save my marriage and change the old habits, the way we are both used to act and react. As soon as we break that circle, we can learn different habits of communication, intimacy, and love!
So here is what helped me save my marriage:
- Get courageous and get outside help (therapy of any kind)
- Stop looking at your spouse responsible for all. Take responsibility for your actions.
- Stop expecting your spouse to be your charming prince. The reality is not Disney! Accept him and love him for who he is, not who you want him to be! (by the way speaking about Disney I gotta tell you a great story!! that happened about 5 years ago when I was fasting (Yom Kippur) and walking to the synagogue while my husband was at home resting after a heart attack and heart surgery. I asked my 5 years old daughter near me as we were walking “what do you do in case mommy faints in the street?” (since this was the end of the 25-hours fast, you never know!) she replied, “I run home and bring daddy so he can kiss you on your lips and wake you up!”
- Be the one to break that bad circle of habits. Your whole family will thank you one day. At least they will feel happier! So next time he gets mad on something, react differently! Whatever you tried before did not bring good results!
- Change something in you first. Something you do makes it wrong so first do one big change either in your vision, criticism, voice, expectations, just one important thing! For me, I decided to change my words and my critical point of view. After years of self-improvement, wanting to get better in this or that, pushing my kids to get better in this or that, I made the decision to stop wanting to get better and just be happy with what I have, who they are and who he is.
I am happy I fought for my marriage as I believe the “bad habits” come with you anywhere you go. So why run away from here if you can work, change something and get the things you always wanted: communication, respect and love!
