If there is only one piece of advice that I wish to leave with my kids to remember, it is:
“Stay true to yourself.”
I find that most of us, adults, like me, have disconnected from ourselves at some point.
Children are true to themselves in a much easier way.
My 6 year old “very active” boy told me last week, while I wanted him to pick up a game in the childrens room, “Mom, I am not a boy of patience. I need to run, do things, jump…”. That made me so happy! Happy to see he knows who he is and what he needs…and he just said it in such a simple and honest way, without feeling sorry or guilty. As a simple statement!
What happens to adults that we lose the connection to ourselves?
Let me first explain what I mean by personal statement: STAY TRUE to yourself.
No matter what you decide to do, don’t do it just to be seen, just to be part of a group, just to be different, just to say something because everyone has to have a say! Do what you do because it is you, based on your values, dreams, passions, abilities.
When we stay connected to ourselves, things are done with passion, with an amazing truth that brings a lot of good to you and to your surroundings. You feel “whole”, it feels right. You feel like you are swimming in your lane, walking on your own trail…
When we do things without that connection, we live based on validation and expectations, not with passion and not to our 100% capability. We live aside from ourselves, like a bit off-road while you can see the right road to go to…
There are 4 examples I can share from my personal life where I took decisions in the right way, connected to myself… each one has to do with each of my 4 most important people in my world for some reason!
- Leaving the USA was not a logical decision for me…I met my husband while I was living in California. I remember that talk when we decided we should leave the country. We were 6 -8 months together and wanted to move to the next step to move to an apartment together. We knew that staying in the States was right for many reasons (mainly comfortable life, great jobs) but we both felt it wrong “in the stomach”. Our families lived in Israel and Europe and California is a long way from there. We felt that raising our children in California is not what we wanted because we needed to be closer to our families.
We loved living in California but we felt we should leave then, before it is too late. Hard to leave a good place!
2. As I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter, I felt the need to FEEL MY WOMAN SIDE and give birth without epidural…all natural like my grandma did!!
I hired a doula and did it! Even now, when I am in a stressful situation, I “go back” to that moment in my imagination where I gave birth and felt it, partnered with my baby during those few hours and feeling that magic helps me through the tough minutes to breath and keep a good vibe!
No one believed I could do it! People told me “why suffer when you can do it and enjoy it?” I felt different but listened to myself!
3. Last year, in July 2019, I went on a trip with my older daughter (13 years old) to Africa to volunteer. I organized this trip for almost 2 years. The travelers included 7 moms and 7 teenagers! Amazing trip I wrote about in many of my posts. You can read about it here and even interviewed moms from that village here.
Another crazy decision and many people on the way saying “you are not afraid? It is dangerous? Are you sure about this?. You should not do this without a group and a travel company.”
4. Last example is the decision to become a foster family. We received our boy when he was 1 year old. He is today 6 years old and almost adopted (latest stage)! This is something I always wanted and dreamed about. As hard as it is sometimes, I feel this is one of my best decisions. Why? Because that came from the “stomach”…or the “guts” not from the brain…
What is similar to all those decisions is they have been taken from the heart, FEELING that was right, no matter how much “+” or “-“ were in the 2 columns!
What happens to us when we lose this connection? What happens to us and to that connection from childhood to parenthood?
I tend to believe most of us (not all of us of course), find themselves in the age of 25-40 in a certain race…a race to prove ourselves or to our parents first, then to our spouse that we can make a living, find a good job, be good at what we do, have kids, become a family, become good parents, learning parenting, handle the house chores and make it all happen, all together. The burden and the race we are in disconnect us from our true self. We are focused on goals; we are determined to make it happen…
But…
Once we get to 40-50 years old, we found ourselves “lost”.
I felt “disconnected”!
All of my decisions (most of them) were made by logic and not by feeling…
Coming from my mind and not from the stomach! This is what I meant by “disconnected”.
Decisions like where to work, what to do, become self-employed (to be flexible with kids at home), in which city to live….
Today, as I am going through this journey to re-connect, every time one of my children fights for what he or she wants or desires, I encourage him or her. Every time each stays true and speaks his feeling as they are, show what they have, as they are, without any layers of protection, excuses or acts to please me or someone else, I am just happy. It fills me up with real joy and pride!
I tell them “great for you! Stay there your whole life! Stay connected. Stay true to yourself!”
I must admit that I used to think that being bold was crucial too. I have always wanting to be different but similar. Does that even make sense?
It took me years to understand what I meant by that!
Bold so you stand out, so you are seen, so you are not transparent! It does not matter how similar or different you are from others as long as you are seen!
For some reason, it is much easier for me to understand this concept when I think of children. Transparent child in the classroom is the nightmare of every parent!
As a mom, you want your child to be FELT, for good or bad…children look to be seen, in a good or bad way. And many times, children will find a negative way to be seen if they feel unseen! Young teenagers sometimes go far to be seen, with a huge amount of piercing or tatoos or wear strange clothing that cannot be “transparent”. Sometimes, they may be true to themselves but I am pretty sure some of them just try to be seen, no matter how.
As I was thinking about my personal statement, I understood I truly hope we can “see” our children so they do not need to be BOLD! I hope we will learn how to give them that feeling anytime and all the time, and therefore they won’t ask to be seen. This is the reason I decided that being bold was not part of my statement.
This is our job, as parents, to really see our children, no matter when and how.
This is a tough job, one I cannot say I am already good at but such an important one…
so lets hope parents get better at seeing their children and children can keep their true self as long as possible, through their own parenting…
