Great you are back to my BLOG SPECIAL about Women of Kenya!
I am happy today to post the 5th and last part of “Women of Kenya“.
You can read Part 1 HERE, where I first introduced the 12 wonderful mothers living in Masogo, near Kisumu in Kenya, where I visited with my teenage daughter in July 2019.
1st Part of the Blog SPECIAL dealt with the 1st question “Are you proud to be a woman? and why?”
In PART 2, I have asked those beautiful women a 2nd question: “What are the 5 skills you wish to ensure your kids have for their future?”
In part 3, we heard how they show love to their kids and discussed the languages of love!
In part 4, they shared with us how they play and connect with their kids. We took a look at the simplicity, humor and music that were KEY aspect.
Today, with our 5th and last question, we will discuss the role of the father.
The question asked:” In your opinion, what is the role of the father? Do you think your kids enjoy their father enough?”
After the answers, I will share my own experience and main lesson which I hope will help lots of mothers as well, and save fights at home! I wish I knew this myself earlier…
…and here are their answers:
- Elizabeth Akinyi said:
“Father should take care of the home, check out how the kids are fed and care for the home. Yes. The kids enjoy their father as they usually talk to their father and ask him anything they wish.”
- Golda Sawala Ayodo said:
“He is the pillar of any home. He ensures the family has all the basic needs. No, they do not enjoy enough from their father as they would definitely love to spend more time with him, but he has to go to work and sometimes spend days away.”
- Goretty Atieno Wasira replied:
“Father role is Taking care of the family (Providing), giving advice and direction in the family. Yes, the kids enjoy him, when he is around. He works In Kericho, he irons peoples’ clothes to earn a living. We usually sit under the mango tree and everyone updates him on what happened while he was away.”
- Helida Odeny answered: “Father has a lot of say in the home: when he speaks, the kids listen to him; kids listen to him more than to the mother. My husband passed away in 2016. The kids loved their father. Whenever they came home, they first used to ask for their father. If they had some money, the kids first gave to their father who then gave it to me. If the kids wanted anything, they first asked their father and only then, they approached me.”
- Jackline Awino Adongo said: “The father is the foundation of the home. He should discuss anything wrong with the kids, fight for the kids, and ensure the home environment is clean. My husband passed away in 1999. We only lived together for 3 years. My kids were too young and did not get to know him enough.”
- Magdalene Akinyi Odhiambo replied: “The role of the father is to take care of the home, and correct anything that is not going right. Yes, my kids enjoy their father. He is a preacher at Ahero. Whenever he comes back home, the kids like talking to him and asking him how he fared on.”
Mary Akinyi Odero said:” The role of the father is to provide food adequately. Yes, my kids enjoy their father. My elder son must always come to see his father whenever he comes home. Even the daughters, whenever they come home from their husbands, they usually give their fathers something like a present.”
- Mary Anyango replied:
“I believe that father’s role is to provide food, shelter, clothing for the family. I do not think my kids enjoy their father enough because he is busy working. He is a motorbike rider. He is only available at night and leaves early in the morning.”
- Milka Atieno Modi said: “Father should take care of the home, ensure everyone is okay e.g. the kids going to school. Yes, my kids enjoy their father. They listen and respect him. He has to go out and fend, but when he is around he sits with them.”
- Miriam Nyandigo Sire said: “Hard worker who fends (do all what is possible for his family) for the kids and builds a house for his kids. He must be able to take the kids to school. My husband passed away in 2004. The kids feared him as he was a drunkard who used to come home while very harsh.”
- Sophy Akoth Otieno answered:“Carry all the burdens of the family e.g when the kids are sick, feeding. Yes, the kids tell him lots of their stories and enjoy him.”
- Susan Awuor Juma said finally:
“Paying school fee for the kids, buy them clothes and provide food. He passed away in 2003 when the kids were still young so they did not have much time with him.”
In all the 5 posts and questions asked in this SPECIAL interview, I asked the ladies and after listening or reading well their answers, it made me think of my opinion, thoughts, views, values…
and here again this brings up such an important subject: father role in the family.
First, some mothers here mentioned that the role of the father is to take care and feed but others talked about bringing kids to school every day or daily tasks, which is very interesting to me. Are fathers managing from above and involved in “main” essentials only or involved in everyday school, activity, sport, shower, meals….? is there any great equation or formula on this?
It is clearly different in every family. I know some families where the father is as involved as the mother, others where the father is even more involved while others where the father remains the one bringing $, updated but not in every daily aspect.
I am pretty sure different people will think differently. I can only share my own thoughts and experience…
For me, there is a fantasy and a reality! a dream i had from my youth I guess and then the reality. Let me explain…
I thought during the last 14 years of raising my kids that mom and dad share all together, all duties, responsibilities, burden…
There is nothing mom can do that dad cannot do and vice versa. So if we have the same goals and values and want the same things for our kids, we both have similar tasks in order to raise them together.
In our generation, lots of mothers work as well as dads so it is no longer “mom at home raising kids and dad outside bringing money”! Of course, there are still plenty of couples who live like this and this is fine as long as they both live ok with it. Again, I am talking about myself!
I always worked as my husband so it was clear to me that we both raise the kids together. This means we went together to Adler classes, to meetings with teachers, we decided together if one of them needed that private lesson or this specific sport in the afternoon….but then this also meant for me that if we know kids need quality time with mom or dad daily, then we should share this, once with dad and once with mom depending on availability. Diner time gets closer and we both can cook together or one instead of the other….just to give some example!
Well, it took me many years to understand this is maybe my dream, my fantasy, sharing everything together, doing all what NEEDS to be done when each of us does his / her part.
It took us lots of fights and misunderstanding between us and even some years of therapy but I finally understood something, something important I wish to share with you. Maybe this will save you some fights or harm…
My husband is a great dad (which I always knew) but in his OWN way, not in my way! Asking him to do what I do was a nightmare for him and for me! He cannot do the same and does not want to do the same! He has his own way to connect to them, make them laugh and listen to them. If i enjoy playing games or cards with them (as you probably understood from this blog) and this is my way to connect with my kids, his way is different. He would rather less often take them to a road trip or watch a good movie together for example.
and we, moms, have no right, to tell them how to….even if we know our job very well!!
Yes he is very involved in the decisions for each kid. Yes he can listen to them and talk about important matters with them. Yes he might once in a while cook diner…but if he is tired, he will do his own way- order pizza home:). He will allow much more TV than I allow because he needs that time for himself, more than I need apparently. I fought so much, thinking there is a “best way” and we should together fight to reach that goal…but I forgot something on my way…and that is: my way is not the only way…
THANK YOU again LADIES FROM MASOGO for sharing such personal experience…
BY LISTENING TO YOU, I again DEFINED MYSELF BETTER for my own motherhood, relationships with my husband and fatherhood!
Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts, sometimes a look from the outside can show the true path!