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Honest adoration versus Constructive criticism?

As caregivers we want to raise our children with helpful tools for their lives. Most parents share similar goals: find his potential, get the best out of him… however, as I am typing this, I am thinking, maybe we do not all have those same goals? Maybe some parents do not look for their child’s  potential,  but instead look for their children to feel great about themselves, or other important values and qualities. 

In my life, I encountered and experienced 2 opposite Parenting styles/ behaviors, and I can see both benefits and disadvantages:

My dad’s way was to push us ahead, be critical about everything.  A grade of 98 was not enough. “Why not 100?” he was asking. He was proud of his way of educating us – mentioning only the sides of us we had to improve. He believed, and still believes, that the good stuff is well-known and does not need to be said!

On the other hand, I have met a few people in my life who praise, adore everything they see in others, no matter what it is, and they do it sincerely!  One of them is my 98 year old grandmother (on my moms’ side). 

When she speaks to you, it feels wonderful, makes you want to succeed more, you feel confident being yourself, you allow them to get closer to you, you let go the barriers and connect to them and to yourself!

Some would summarize the contradicting styles by saying “praise will make you feel good. Criticism will make you want to get better”!

Is this it? That simple?

And if it is, what should we, parents, use since we want both- we want our kids to feel good with themselves but also improve and push to improve!

I know there is no black or white. I know those are both extreme thoughts and behaviors and you will probably say “the truth is somewhere in between”!

BUT how in between?

When should you be pushy and critical and when should you be adoring what they did or said? How can we hold both of those at once in our parenting, and even in our couple relationships?

I feel this is a big challenge, the balance between the 2 that can be a wonderful gift for the whole family! If you found the way, please share with all of us in the comments below!

With the education of my father, I do believe I became critical of myself and others, which is not great and has a high price BUT also made me strive for more, raise my dreams, never give up…at least I thought so until now!

So I started to research and read about it!

• Psychologists Roland Tharp and Ronald Gallimore were interested in education and learning and thought that observing and analyzing John Wooden’s teaching methods might deepen their understanding of learning. They found that most of it was informative, what to do and how to do correctly, what not to do. Less praise and less criticism! Read more about this here.

• In this article below, they explain when and how to praise or critic for a better result. Praise is not always positive and may harm while Critics is not always negative. Read more here. 
•  Another article I read talked about the ratio between the number of praise and critics. As long as there is more praise (2:1 or 6:1), both are needed in our parenting.

And there is another aspect: it is our own education and personality. As a mom who was raised like this, and my husband who was raised different, we both bring who we are and cannot always change everything because it may be more right. Sometimes, it is just who we are…even if I wish to add more praise and “adore” all what they do, this is not that easy to change at all, even if I decide this is right!

I think my conclusion to this is a mix of all opinions.

I will try to summarize the main points I learned ad defined better:

• Give them the confidence and love by being present, by listening to them (not through praise)
• Praise specifically on things they have done that you know was difficult for them -not too much and not on anything!
• Make your critics in a correct proportion, so you can’t be critical few times a day. Choose what to critic and know how to critic!
• If done right, criticism can bring great results. Do not be afraid to give it to your love ones but know how to give it- gently and as exact and understandable as possible.